No, I have not given birth. 

Yes, I’m one hell of a doula!

Denise Bolds MSW, CD(DONA) October 4, 2017

Yes, I did have a baby vaginally and three miscarriages. I gave birth to my son 27 years ago; a natural birth with no interventions. It took me two days to do it. What does this mean to you, the pregnant person seeking a doula to support your birth? Not a darn thing.

Our society is based upon categories; 'cubicles' of characteristics that separate and designate. This same designation runs rampant in childbirth: from ‘geriatric’ pregnancy to prima; there are tons of 'cubicles' in childbirth. As a certified birth doula, I am asked a common question of prospective clients; “Have you given birth?”

I’m very proud of my accomplishment of being a successful black single mother. 27 years ago, I wanted a natural birth, breastfeed my baby and use cloth diapers. I didn’t have a birth doula; I had an awesome midwife and my mom helping me through my labor. I ended up with birth trauma and postpartum depression. When a prospective client asks me of my birth status, the client feels this is relative and for them it is; here’s something else to consider.

I know many experienced, excellent doulas who have not given birth and probably never will. I also know OB/GYN’s who have not given birth either. I wonder if pregnant people ask OB/GYN’s and midwives if they have ever given birth? Probably not, especially the male ones! ;)

Here’s a way out of that 'cubicle mindset'…

Does an Oncologist have to have cancer to be a great practitioner of treating cancer? What about Cardiologists and other medical specialists? Does an Orthopedist have to have broken bones or a hip/knee replacement in order to be a great practitioner? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Many doulas have given birth, many of those doulas have experienced a negative birth experience of their own = birth trauma, if left untreated, unaddressed or unrecognized turns into transference. Transference is the redirection of a feeling a person has experienced onto another person.

There’s a possibility that a birth worker can project their experiences upon your current event of pregnancy/birth. I made sure my birth experience 27 years ago was healed and does not transfer onto my work as a birth doula. For me, being a certified birth doula is not about me, but about my client(s), their partner(s), families and communities. My ego is not present, what is present are compassion, courage and common sense. Yes, birth work commands courage.

When seeking to secure doula support, giving birth doesn’t guarantee a good doula or even a great one. Instead, inquire about the doula’s passion, education, and courage in challenging birth situations! I wrote this blog in recognition of all of my doula peers who have not given birth; one awesome doula who is one of my mentors is childless; I would have her at my birth if I were seeking doula support. Not only is she wise, compassionate and fearless; she's one of the smartest doulas I know.

At the end of the day, it’s the birth giver’s choice of which doula bests fits the birth they are working towards. The 'cubicle' mentality in birth work begins and ends with us. 

The Angry White Woman

The Angry White Woman

Denise Bolds, MSW

April 20, 2017

Move Rosa Parks, in fact, get up out of that seat. The seat: the ‘Angry Black Woman seat.  Mother’s of The Mayflower sink the ship in protest. June Cleaver, Wilma Flintstone and Lucy Ricardo poison the pot roast, while Carol Brady locks Mike Brady out of the bedroom. Saturday Night Live is the news. White women in America are angry, I can see why. If I were a white woman in America today, I’d be pretty pissed too.

Currently, this is an amplification of Women’s Rights, historically hitched onto Civil Rights. With the recent election of the 45th President of the United States of America, white women have a new four-letter word: foul. It wasn't enough that Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton had her presidency snatched on national television like a weave… that’s nothing compared to what’s going on…

White women in America are pissed; having to wear funny little uterus hats branding their contributions reminding America of their value. Ellen Degeneres is out and hosting a very successful talk show; there are more female directors making movies in Hollywood and equal pay made it to the White House. So why are white women angry?

For starters, male politicians can’t keep their fingers out of women’s vaginas. Every year, every election Planned Parenthood is the target of threats of funding cuts; birth-control pills are still not covered by many health insurances; but Viagra is. Women are still being abused in domestic violence; the 45th President signed off on a policy allowing individual states to have their own laws on domestic violence. White women are still facing traumatic birth outcomes and are still wrangling maternal health from the male-dominated medial profession as Cesarean Sections increase. There is still shame directed at women for breastfeeding in public. Recently, a white senator was quoted saying women are ‘milking maternity leave and benefits.’ He’s never dilated his penis to 10 centimeters and giving birth.

The white man has completely forgotten where he came from, the white woman’s womb, fed from her white breasts, or historically, breasts of  black female slaves. The question now resonates through many minds of the current leadership of America: “Is this the best of white America?” Time to drain that petri dish in the in-vitro lab. Time to think about the outcome before having sex with the really cute first cousin…

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential run; was riddled with bullying, false propaganda, and blatant turn-a-blind-eye on actions Mrs.Clinton was persecuted for, while her male counterparts currently in the White House are not. Clinton’s republican opponent threatened her, called her a liar and the American people went right along with his menacing antics. It’s a sad country when a white female with over 30 years of political service is passed over for presidency by a white man with multiple wives, bankruptcies and a petulance for ‘grabbing pussy.’ Mrs. Clinton possesses a JD in law, served as a Senator (NY), Secretary of State (USA) and was First Wife; America instead chose a man with no law experience, hasn't paid his taxes in twenty years, and has made the most disgusting statements against the disabled, veterans and immigrants in a political campaign. Ever. Let’s not forget his weekly trips to Mar-A-Largo for golf at the cost of millions of American tax dollars. Is America that against having a white woman as President?

Melania Trump was a ‘model’ before becoming wife #3. Her photographs are more pin-up pornography than marketing. Not only did she plagiarize FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s speech, she stole Jackie Kennedy’s style of dressing for the inauguration. Her husband, the new president elect left her at the bottom of the stairs as he zipped up to greet former President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for all the world to see, post inauguration. What an image: newly elected president at the top of the stairs with the former President and First Lady looking down at the white woman at the foot of the stairs. Oh yeah, white women are angry. 

The current elected 45th president has appointed two white women as part of his cabinet: Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos and Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President. Both women are the ‘epitome’ of white women: one believes guns should be in schools to kill any bears in them; the other likes to straddle couches in the Oval Office, complete with her legs spread in a room full of men. Was this business or prelude to a lap dance? America has seen some of the most intelligent white women in politics and business, yet the presidential cabinet choses the complete opposite; ignorant and incompetent, not to mention poor fashion sense. Yep white women, try explaining this to your daughters… Luckily, the media has given the world a break on airing anything from DeVos and Conway; everyone is too busy watching the current presidency remix of ‘Dumb and Dumber’.

I could go on, but there’s just too much, I am a black woman, I just relinquished my anger for a new emotion, intention. White women, you should be angry; little white girls and teens growing up under this presidency see white women ‘role models’ of nude photos, lack of education with blatant ignorance is what it takes for a white woman to get into the White House. Forget modesty and decorum, forget the ‘Feminine Mystique’, forget good breeding, forget going to college and obtaining higher education. White women tried and failed at being snarky. America laughed at the buffoonery of Sarah Palin only to now realize it was a foreshadowing of what was to come…

White women, your white men left you at the bottom of the stairs; The Statue of Liberty takes one for the team for the last time; Rosie the Riveter is off having plastic surgery in the Dominican Republic. White woman, you are now sitting in the ‘angry seat’ black women were given for over a hundred years. What explanation do you have to offer your daughters or yourselves? It will be interesting to see white women at the next level: Sick and tired of being sick and tired…  

It’s clearly obvious, America doesn't want Betsy Ross, instead America chooses Ginger from Gilligan’s Island; dumb and hyper sexualized. Yeah, if I were a while woman in America, I’d be pretty pissed too. Here white woman, take my seat. I’m going to go and meditate… Hell hath no fury like a white woman’s scorn. Now, close your eyes and picture the little girl facing the mammoth Bull of Wall Street…

1

Be The ONE. In The ONE.

By Denise Bolds, MSW CD(DONA)

January 19, 2017

Numerology, a powerful tool used in understanding our true self; the relationship we currently exist within. Numerology fascinates me; an African American, my mother tongue was stripped away from my ancestors and consequently myself. Numerology is a language all of its own.

2017 broken down: 2 + 0 + 1 + 7 =  10         1 + 0 = 1

2017 is the year of the ONE. This is the year to Be The ONE.  I am born a 1: my birth time is 10:46 AM equals 1.  My birthdate, August 18, 1964 adds up: 8+1+8+1+9+6+4 is 1.  I am an only child who gave birth to an only child. My destiny is to be The ONE. What does that mean exactly?

From a spiritual perspective, one is the number of creation, the primal force from which all other numbers spring forth (as opposed to the often quoted zero from which, by definition, nothing could possibly come into being).

The 1 is a doer, a powerful force that produces results and does not allow anything or anyone to limit its potential. The 1 is aggressive, a necessary energy for creating and producing. The 1 is always in the forefront: a spearpoint directing and leading others. The shape of the number 1, just like the shape of all other symbols, reflects its meaning; it walks upright with pride and purpose. Strong, determined, unwavering and with specific goals in mind, the 1 can turn dreams and ideas into reality. It pushes obstacles aside or simply drills right through them.

The 1 tends to have a simple, straightforward view of life and its many complexities. It trusts its own ability to separate right from wrong. It doesn't waste time on abstract ideas or anything else that isn't in line with its pursuit of results. The 1 is no preacher, no philosopher, no spiritual explorer, no dreamer and certainly not an idealist. It is a pragmatist, a ruthless conqueror and a warrior extraordinaire. It is individualistic and independent to a fault.

The 1 does not hesitate when it senses a need for confrontation. It is jealous and extremely stubborn, but also courageous and willing to try anything new if it sees promise, even at great danger. It is, if you haven't guessed, the most masculine of all numbers. There is a certain quality, a sense of honor and responsibility that demands our respect, and it has a sense of justice that cannot be denied. The number 1 cannot witness injustice without jumping in and setting things straight.

Its purity of purpose is an admirable quality of the number 1. It sees things for what they are and hypocrisy doesn't stand a chance. Befriend a 1 and you have a friend for life. You can poke fun at a 1 and not have to worry about hurt feelings. A 1 has a great capacity for humor, including the self-deprecating kind. 

(http://www.numerology.com/numerology-numbers/1)

Spinning Babies Conference 2016, Gail Tully shared some wisdom with a room full of birth workers. In the year of 9 which was 2016, Gail prepared us with her wisdom for the one…

In 2017 women and birth work embrace a new path, take the lead in pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding; the holistic maternity is at a precipice of regeneration. The One is awake and aware. The One moves away from what no longer works, is not capitalistic nor remain hidden in untruths and doubt. Our God is The One (I AM) we are made in the image of God, we are spirits having a human experience; the One begins with you.

Dr. Cornel West at Marist College October 2015: “My phone is smart… I want to be wise!”

Gail Tully introduced questions promoting The One, the leader, the game changer, the successful doer:

• What positive behavior will I start to do this week?
• Who are the three people who can help me?
• Who will help me celebrate?
• Who is the most curious for birth work?
• What behavior of my own do I decide to stop doing now?
• What behavior can I do to continue to improve the community of birth?
• What behavior of my own do I want to continue in birth work?
• What behavior of my own do I want to let go of that no longer supports me in my birth work practice?

By now I am hearing India Arie’s song “The One” and Yes “Going For The One” blasting in my head…

We are all not born into the number one. We all can make that jump to know, understand, relate, communicate and support that one - ourselves.  We bear witness to the statistics, evidence base and blogs on birth work. There is work to be done by all of us. 

The next four years will test, push, pull, grab, shift, ignite, and grow birth work as the world will change by January 20, 2017 as we know it. The agitation has begun; take it as a sign of renewal. Be ready to educate, advocate, donate, break through the gates of separation. Be the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… in the Year of The One. Be the One to put birth where it belongs; with women and humanity. The date of this blog is very powerful: January 19, 2017 (month, date and year are all ONE). There are no accidents, everything happens for a reason. Everything is preordained; know thyself! Be ONE in the Year of The ONE!

Doula Bag

Denise Bolds MSW, CD(DONA)

January 9, 2017

It’s a new year; 12 months of births, breasts, trainings, blogs and communications on social media. I’ve been in the doula world for over 2 years now; I possess a master’s degree in social work; I am still learning about my practice and myself as a doula. Many new doulas and seasoned doulas come to me and ask for advice and guidance. These wonderful women often feel the weight of the ‘should’ and ‘could’ resulting in some of the most, harsh and combative scenarios I have ever witnessed from my own gender. One ongoing query of angst among doulas: the doula bag. There are numerous articles on: “The must haves for the doula bag.”

Many doulas have a bag of special support tools they use with their skills in comfort techniques for a woman in labor. Everything from rebozos to squeeze balls. All too frequently, I am asked: ‘What do you have in your doula bag Denise?’

In response, my doula bag are two bags: a tote with my comfort items and a larger bag with a yoga mat, bolsters, birth ball and a peanut or two. My comfort items range from sleep mask to honey sticks to a change of socks and underwear for myself. I also carry a bluetooth speaker and an electric diffuser so mom can use her scented oils. Sometimes I feel as though I am Mary Poppins. 

December, 2016 winter solstice night, I was called to support a birth of a first time mom. Upon my arrival at her home, I witnessed mom’s labor going very well, and quickly. On her second trip to the bathroom, I accompanied her; she was in her labor zone, I didn't want to leave her unattended. As she pulled down her pants, meconium went everywhere! Mom was now grunting in her contractions, she was getting ready to push. I immediately informed the husband we had to leave for the hospital immediately, I cleaned up my laboring client quickly and explained what we must do; we got to the hospital in the darkest of night.

There was no time, we parked in the emergency room parking lot. I jumped out of my car running to support my client inside to a wheelchair. In my haste, I left my two doula bags behind. Upstairs, my client was evaluated, her baby had flipped and was now breech. Her contractions were so intense, the nursing staff could not get a vein to start an IV. My client’s birthing room was a flurry of clinical staff, obstetrician, anesthesiologist, midwife, the husband and myself. While everyone was as calm and professional as possible, an aura of urgency was dominating. My client had begun to take in some of this energy, I knew in order for her to do well with her birth, she had to focus.

I turned my laboring client focus solely upon me, my eyes and my voice while her husband answered the questions needed for admitting. I talked my client down from the high perch of instability she was heading towards. With my voice, my presence, my focus, my confidence I was able to calm her. I did Reki on her by placing my hands over her heart focusing my thoughts on the most calm, beautiful sunny day on the beach… as a result of her releasing her tension, the nurse was able to start an IV with a Hep-Loc.  I kept my client calm with her focus upon me while the clinical staff worked on her birth.

Her baby boy was born; it was an amazing birth. All of this occurred less than two hours, without my two doula bags. You are wondering what is my point?

Many doulas are so focused upon the props in the profession, all the attachments to grow their business. Most times all a doula really needs is herself. To possess a belief in herself she can empower, she can be of service and support to another without infringing upon clinical boundaries, without devaluing her work and without her doula bag.

There are times when I do have my two doula bags and I still am in need of something. Laboring at home with another client, I had her use the bathtub for hydrotherapy. The tub stopper wasn't working well, I had nothing in my bag for this.  I went to her kitchen and found a rubber jar opener to use in the tub to stop the water leaking out. I had to use my wits and improvise.  At that moment, it was about the client, not me. The doula bag is more for the doula than it is for the client.

Doulas, here’s the take-away: you do not always need a bag of items and props to support a client. Of course its nice and fun to have. At the end of the day, all a laboring woman need is you; your confidence, your compassion, your respect, your intuition, your truth that you are here for her. Don’t become so caught up in the ‘should’ in the doula world that you forget why you are a doula; because your heart calls you, because you come from an ancestry of empowerment, because you believe in what you are providing. 

I am a certified doula, I’m proud of what I do. I remain humble to witness a miracle called birth as part of my job. Each birth brings me to trust more deeply in myself, my confidence and my truth; there’s no outside bag that can hold this - only me, myself and I hold and carry these attributes. 

I still have my bags I support women with in my doula practice. There will be another time when I will not have my two bags with me; I will support my client just as well as if they were with me because of what I carry within. What’s in your doula bag? Who is it for?